Self-Care for the Caregiver

November is National Family Caregivers month. I feel like the AI engine has recognized my likes and swipes of late and has been filling my feed with a myriad of self care material. I love reading and digesting tidbits of information like this. I take screen shots and save them in a file labeled “Wellness” on my phone. At the same time, a bit of the special needs parent caregiver in me feels a bit of pain at some of the ideas and suggestions, knowing that in a dream world, it would be wonderful to implement strategies for self-care to help manage my daily stress and improve my outlook on life, but the reality is that the day to day “job” of Angelman parenting doesn’t give time or resources to do much of what they recommend.

I dream about what it would be like to gift myself a spa day, a girls weekend away, or even get over 8 hours of sleep/night. Doesn’t that sound wonderful? I’m pretty certain stress would melt away just at the thought that this could be a reality.

While our life as family caregivers is rewarding, it is also challenging and can be beyond exhausting. When our bodies and minds are repeatedly inundated with stress, not only we, but everyone around us, including those we are taking care of, suffers. 

I took to heart the inner truth from an episode of the sitcom, Schitt’s Creek, where Moira (mom) and David (her adult son) are having a conversation. David question’s Moira, saying, “Aren’t parents supposed to put their children’s needs first?” Moira responds: “If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, its that a mother puts her own mask on first.”

Talk about an “ah ha” moment. (Here I thought I was tuning in to a comedy tv show to escape reality for a bit!) We truly can’t give life to those around us if we don’t take care of our own lives first.

But, how do we do that? I can hear from the peanut gallery already: I don’t have time. I am worn out already. I have no help. Its too hard. I have just accepted this is the lonely, isolated life we are destined to have raising and caring for our child who is 100% dependent on me for everything.

First, you have to decide you want to do more to take care of yourself. We can’t change our situation or the people who choose to be (or not be) part of this life with us, but we can change how we work through it each day, even if it takes a bit of creativity and conscience effort to do something for ourselves. Being goal oriented, I like to think of the quest for self care as giving myself opportunities to win, to beat the daily struggles that try to take over my life and leave me worn and tattered. Do I win at this life every day? Certainly not, but every day I do have little wins and those wins add up over time to build a healthier, happy, inner and outer self. I need that for both me and those that count on me as a wife, mom, friend and caregiver.

Rather than set myself up for failure by feebly attempting to adhere to a long internet worthy list of self care routines, I feel that when I focus on doing something from each of these 3 basic categories daily, I can become a healthier person for myself and for those I take care of.

3 Daily Wins:

1. A Physical Win

Going for a walk- outside if possible to clear the head and connect with nature, but even activities like parking on the far end of a parking lot so I have to walk further to get into a store or taking the stairs instead of an elevator count towards daily movement, running, hiking, lifting weights, swimming, riding a bike, choosing to eat healthy, nutrient dense food and drink 8+ glasses of water each day. 

2. A Mental Win

Reading, writing, creating, learning, doing puzzles, crosswords or brain games

*Note: doomsday scrolling on social media does not count for reading.

3. A Spiritual Win

Praying, meditating, practicing breath work and unwinding exercises.

Somedays I wake up with a great self-care plan for the day, then the world turns upside down and backwards and I find myself going into momma-bear attack mode all day. By evening all I want to do is drink a glass of wine after putting my Angel to bed, scroll mindlessly on social media to numb my brain, then drag myself to bed with the dread of repeating the same type of draining day tomorrow. I didn’t do any cardiovascular exercise, ate junk food as the day progressed, and my brain succumbed to a state of cognitive fatigue from constantly overthinking and forgetting everything while trying to make a million decisions for everyone else in my household. The downward spiral of beating myself up began. In that moment, I had a decision to make: I can lose for the day, or I can seek out a little win for myself.

I get off the couch, do some pushups (sounds crazy at 10pm to be doing pushups, but it really does feel good to get the blood flowing, engage the core and arms, and do something physical, even if it is late… doing a little something is always better than creating a habit of saying “I’ll just do it tomorrow” because while we can’t control whatever tomorrow throws at us, we can control this one moment in time), fill up my water bottle with more water instead of pouring that glass of wine, turn off the tv and head upstairs to my bedroom. I lather some soothing lavender lotion on my arms, tell Alexa to play a peaceful piano playlist, read a page out of the daily motivation book that’s been sitting next to my bed for over a year (one day I will actually make it to the end of the 100 days of daily messages the book contains), lay down and focus on my breath for a few minutes: slowly breathing in through my nose for a count of 4, filling air deep into my belly rather than letting it tighten my chest, holding for 7 counts, then exhaling slowly out my mouth for 8. I repeat this sequence 3-4 times as I allow my mind and my body to calm and slowly relax.

While the day might have been an energy-draining dog-poop show, I salvaged it in the end, gave myself a few minutes of “me time” and accomplished my self care goals: a physical win, a mental win, and a spiritual win.

We as caregivers don’t often receive accolades for our tireless work, but I promise you, if you set little goals for yourself each day and figure out a way to make them happen despite whatever life throws at you, you are winning.

So from one caregiver to another, remember: by taking care of yourself first, you are able to give the best of yourself to those you care about most.